徵

my mom called my uncle, who's in suchow with my grandpa right now.  he was silent as usual.  so my mom initiated talks as usual.  she heard from aunt pl yesterday that grandpa told uncle he will come to usa to live with him.  we even went to uncle's house to talk to aunt, who confirmed with us.  but my uncle replied, no, it's not confirmed yet.  then he fell silent.  my mom was relieved when hearing from aunt pl a little bit.  upon hearing the response from my uncle, she felt a twinge.  she then asked how he slept.  my uncle chuckled.  since my uncle had nothing to say, my mom asked if  grandpa was up.  he was, but he constipated again, he did not feel well at all. 

mom talked to grandpa.  but he was so unwell, he could not hear anything.  my mom kept telling him, how happy she was with his news of coming to usa.  but repeatedly he could not perceive it at all.  after a few times, my mom asked grandpa to give phone to uncle.  but still grandpa could not hear it.  eventually, mom told grandpa to hang up the phone numerous times.  grandpa apparently could not hear at all, finally hung up the phone. 

what it showed me, was horrifying.  because initially, i understand if grandpa came to usa, my mom will be the sacrificing lamb.  for grandpa will not and dare not scold uncle and aunt, he will then redirect aggression against my mom.  But now, I saw something else in this intricate play.  grandpa, under uncle's influence, will turn vicious with my mom.  This viciousness will morally hurt my mom.  grandpa is already bitter.  uncle will turn him into a colossus.  grandpa still care for my mom before now.  but that attitude will change when he's with uncle and aunt.  with my mom's attachment to her own parents, this will be proven fatal. 

uncle and aunt don't have the intention, but their emotional inclination toward my mom will likely be at work.  my mom's attitude will not help in the situation either. 

quote

I saw the magnificent seven today.  I think it's a good western.  It has more twist than seven samurai.  But I didn't like Yul Brynner that much.  I did not care too much about Steve Mcqueen here either.  I never planned to watch this movie if not for Charles Bronson.  And it's kind funny that if not for Frasier, I'd never watch this movie...  lol  Because Frasier's dad Martin love Charles Bronson.  I felt the movie as its own was pretty good, I liked the twist here.  But I just have too much seven samurai in my mind.

Anyway, I remembered a quote by Steve M's character, I think it's funny. Somebody asked how you doing?  Steve M's character answered with joke:

"A fella fell from a tall building, everyone on different floor heard the fella as he fell past their floor saying, "So far so good, so far so good." 

I forgot the exact wording, but that's about it... 

rambling

It's been two weeks, mascon haven't called back yet.  I need to call. 

I really wish to have a girl by my side.  But I really could not construct a future at all.  Do I lost my aggressive drive?  Would this related to my wanting to be correct and proper?  And any deviate from correctness and proper is unbearable to me personally.  I really really wish to have a girl I love by my side. 

If i settled in a new situation, it became stale.  But I won't find new ways to improve it. 

Sometimes i wonder if my desire to be able to satisfy a girl in bed is so fervent, would be because I could never make my mom happy.  And this disgusts me to my stomach.  As I dig deeper, I think it related to the aggressive drive, which somehow could not realized in any proper  channel.  For I watch over every possible channel.  I do not want to have any leak.  Of course, aggression escaped in most infuriating sense.  I tried even harder.  Until now, I meet angry with either flapper mouse, or masterbet, or drowsiness, or if I was lucky enough to get a hold myself, I do exercise.  But exercise was rare. 

That is not to say that I don't feel genuine love towards the opposite sex.  On the contrary, the intensity was and is unbearable.  My mom and sis and uncle always wonder why I did not go to animal shelter.  I could not go because, I was so attracted to female colleagues, I can't stay.  Some one can tell me that all men feel the same, but for me, they can be around girls.  I just felt out of control, jealous, self despise, embarrassment.  Excuses, excuses... 

and right now, confession did not make me feel relieved.  it is like reliving my nightmares.  just remember, if i could not construct a future, i can't have a girl.  no contact, no discussion, never compromise! 

沒眼光

昨天和鄰居的小孩玩籃球.  他們是五缺一.  我剛好頂上.  之前有看過他們打, 我不覺得怎麼樣.  可是打了幾場下來, 他們都滿會玩的.  有兄弟倆, 都很能投球, 哥哥的上籃也滿行.  兄弟倆的父親精壯剽悍, 技術實在.  我的鄰居是很強壯高大, 射球也有一定的準頭.  另外一位也是高大強壯, 準頭也有. 

跟他們打, 我就覺得自己沒眼光.  之前看的時候不覺得怎樣, 一打就知道滿不是自己看的那樣. 這讓我想到第一次看到史第夫王打球.  亨利黃說他很厲害, 好快.  我當時也覺得不怎麼樣.  打起來後才知道他橫向爆發力真的很不錯.  還好他運球普通, 不然就真的很可怕了. 

我的眼光真的很差.  回來後和媽媽說, 媽媽也同意.  他就用我昨天同一天的例子, 我可以在衣服店裡待兩三個小時, 一件衣服也買不到.  我說, 眼光不好, 遲疑猶豫就很正常了.  媽媽一想也對. 

另外一提, 打球時兄弟倆的父親比我年紀大至少十五六歲, 卻比我有精力, 又能跑又能跳.  我滿悲傷的.  想想上次和亨利黃, 飛, 史第夫王, roger 葉打球時, 我現在可能比那次好一點.  但和那位父親相比, 實在太差... 

中華文化之一

中華文化之一, 第一點就是反古. 尤其是拿古人的話來反古.  第一個笑孔丘的人就是孔丘的學生.  哈哈哈.

要說清楚某種文化長啥樣子是極端困難的.  中華文化和別種文化不同的地方是很難由中國人來說的.  我覺得只有從外國人口不經意之間可以得知.  我現在可以想到的是, 民初時,某外國訪問學者說, 中國的學生都積極從事政治活動, 美國的學生都對政治興趣缺缺. 

我覺得這是最有趣的觀察,可是我現在認為這是最能清楚描述中華文化的一句話之一.  印象中東漢士人和宦官, 一直到明朝太監和士林, 都不斷有這種衝突.  反而是從事農工虞商的人在我印象裡少從事政治活動, 除非是官商勾結, 或者是宋以前士族的活動.

The change of attitude

When I read gun powder, steel, and germs, I found it was interesting that the attitude of the author was different from other people, namely zinn howard.  After that I read some books about conservation.  It has a very different sentiment from conservation a hundred years ago. What was the difference?  How come I put two comparisons side by side?  Are they even related?  I don't know.  But it is interesting that when I read one, the other would pop up somewhere in my mind. 

The difference between the first two was that GsG did not apologize for the misery of European expansion.  It emphasized that when other people got the technology, the same people oppressed by European expansion, started to oppress other people too.  I remembered GsG used an example from some native islanders in new zealand. 

The difference between the conservationist now and the ones who started conservation a hundred years ago was the treatment of the big predators, especially the apex predators. 

Are these two category related?  I think yes, in some ways.  The so called apex predators controlled the ecology.  European expansion signified as most advanced technology, maybe even culture.  Such culture, was the apex predator in comparison.  However, it is a cynical comparison.  Because, when I read about how to save tigers, wolves, I felt warm feelings, even love.  But when I read the paragraph that whoever got highest technology will start to conquer, torture, destroy its neighbors, it was heart wrench, distant, and cold. 

I've always asked a question.  When you did something wrong, what would we do next?  We could say, other people would do so in my steed as well.  That's the feeling what GsG gave me.  But when it came to animal conservation, many books talked about the economic reason for killing predator animals a hundred years ago.  Many books would use many mythologies from native people. 

All those writings up there did not really summed clearly what I was going to say.  It is merely random notes on sporadic feelings toward something vague... 

booblablablabla

I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend.  I want to have girlfriend.  I don't want to have a girl friend. 

中華...文化...阿....?!?!

易中天先生寫了一套書, 還沒寫玩, 他先來個序.  他在排世界裡各文化的位置.  排的很好, 總共有三環, 所有文化都有機會.  第一環三名, 伊斯蘭, 歐洲, 中華.   第二環,印度, 日本...等等.  第三環, 朝鮮, 東南亞...等等.

文章說, 第一環的文化叫做世界文化.  然後他拿出一個盒子,上面寫著伊斯蘭, 盒蓋打開, 裡面是宗教信仰和博愛, 世界中期歷史之花.  他又拿出第二個盒子, 上面寫著歐洲,他把盒蓋打開,往裡面一瞧, 啊, 自由平等法治, 世界現代歷史之花.  最後, 他拿出第三個盒子, 上面寫著中華, 他小心翼翼的把盒蓋打開, 大家往裡一瞧, 咦, 東西呢?  他笑嘻嘻的說, 這就是中華文化, 你看, 你看, 你要信啥, 我都可以放在裡面.  這可是世界古代歷史之秀啊! 

an interesting quote from movie

Depression is the inability to construct a future.  -----Rollo May.  


I heard from movie, Side Effect. 

書鈔--on aggression

All from chapter of Ecce Homo

Aggressive behavior and killing inhibition represent only one special case among many in which phylogenetically adapted behavior mechanisms are thrown out of balance by the rapid change wrought in human ecology and sociology by culture development.  .......It is a widely held opinion, shared by some contemporary philosophers, that all human behavior patterns which served the welfare of the community, as opposed to that of the individual, are dictated by specifically human rational thought.  Not only is this opinion erroneous, but the very opposite is true.  If it were not for a rich endowment of social instincts, man could never have risen above the animal world.  All specifically human faculties, the power of speech, cultural tradition, moral responsiblity, could have evolved only in a being which, before the very dawn of conceptual thinking, lived in a well organized communities.  Our prehuman ancestor was indubitably as true a friend to his friend as a chimpanzee or even a dog, as tender and solicitous to the young of his community and as self-sacrificing in its defense, aeons before he developed conceptual thought and became aware of the consequences of his actions. 

According to the Immanuel  Kant's teachings on morality, it is human reason (Vernunft) alone which supplies the categorical imperative "thous halt" as an answer to responsible self-questioning concerning any possible consequences of a certain action.  However, it is doubtful whether "reason" is the correct translation of Kant's use of the word "Vernunft", which also implies connotation of common sense and of understanding and appreciation of another "reasonable" being.  For Kant it is self evident that one reasonable being cannot possibly want to hurt another.  This unconscious acceptance of what he considered evident, in other words common sense, represents the chink in the great philospher's shining armorof pure rationality, through which emotion,......

....

....

Even the first compensatory function of moral responsibility, preventing the Australopithecines from destroying themselves with their first pebble tools, could not have been achieved without an instinctive appreciation of life and death....

......
.....

Quote stop.


Then the author started to describe the increase rate of social change, which our biological behavior adaptability have a hard time to catch on.  

饅頭物語

我已經追逐饅頭超過十幾個年頭了.  第一次是看到舅媽做饅頭.  我驚喜的說要跟著學.  我第一做滿成功的.  做了十來個, 帶到大學去.  那時候跟室友處不來, 常常一個人帶了饅頭到圖書館, 一邊看書一邊啃饅頭, 直到深夜才回宿舍.  走在冷風裡, 還挺得意的.  自己會做饅頭, 就像小時候吃到的一樣. 

但是, 好景不常, 第二次, 和之後幾年, 就不再成功.  有時候, 饅頭沒發, 蒸出來是石頭.  有時候, 蒸出來的是麵包, 軟軟的, 發的大大的, 裡面全是氣泡.  要再去找舅媽討教時, 舅媽卻偏愛麵包式的饅頭.  軟軟的, 鬆鬆的那一種.  可那不是我印象裡的饅頭.  總記得老爸說的, "你看, 饅頭裡面有洞, 就是偷工減料!"  這樣一來, 只要做饅頭, 就猛減酵母粉的量, 或者糖的量, 一心只要饅頭要緊實, 不能有洞.  有時候還大揉特揉, 希望揉個一個小時.  可是一次又一次, 饅頭越來越硬, 連放在湯裡都很難軟化.  有時候甚至白麵粉會做出黃石頭.  終於, 我決定不做了. 

去年某個機緣, 看到麵包的做法, 裡面介紹用麵種.  腦袋裡又浮現饅頭.  那白白的外皮, 豐滿的形狀, 熱熱騰騰的特殊香氣.  我在網上找了一陣子, 在好幾個網誌上看到有人提到孟老師用老麵做得山東饅頭.  順藤摸瓜, 我終於找到了完美饅頭的方法!  當我用老麵照著孟老師的方法做出了無鹽無糖的山東饅頭.  那份喜悅真是不用提了. 

上個月, 我到一家山東店, 很興奮的看到他們也賣饅頭.  一方面想看看自己做得像不像, 一方面也想看看自己做得可不可能比他們的好吃, 我點了一個饅頭.  老闆, 一臉驚訝的看著我說, "真的嗎?  裡面是沒有餡的哦..."   看他一臉驚訝, 我也有點吃驚, 說, "我知道."  回家後, 覺得真是有趣.  我想, 一定很少有人叫這玩意兒.  又想到, 我的妹夫吃到我最近做的饅頭, 他一開始很高興的吃著.  吃了一口, 覺得有點奇怪, 趕緊再咬一口, 臉上更是充滿了訝異.  他問我妹妹, 怎麼裡面無餡?!  我妹妹說, 饅頭就是無餡的啊.  他傻了眼, 看著又無鹽又無糖更無餡的麵食, 連說, what's the point?  what's the point? 

離家不遠

 

(年度票選最佳散文)

透天三層洋房，座落在稻田旁，起風時，偶爾飄來豬屎堆肥異味。這是一個老舊翻新社區，八十三年夏推出，姊姊轉述建商說法：「前面要開一條八米路，直通鎮上心臟地帶；六輕在麥寮建廠，這裡必然大有發。」

  猛翻數倍後，房價是撐平、緩步下滑，我不太相信會有大好榮景。哥和姐決定比鄰各買一戶，爸爸說：「問問韻芳，或許她也想在西螺買厝，人親土親。」

  擁有一小方土地，是在台北難以達成的夢想，親友中不乏按月租地、翻土、施肥、種作，扮演都市農夫。對我而言：鋤犁是扛不動的浪漫，並不奢想嘗試。深層的想望是：九年後退休，住在舊厝附近，手足間各有獨立空間，卻是走幾步路或騎上鐵馬，就可以找爸媽談天說地、泡茶賞蘭。
  那年，父親剛過七十，我相信他會像阿嬤一樣高壽九五，我還有福氣承歡膝前十五年。兒時不曾分離的歡聚，正是短短十五載。
  爸爸曾經笑言：「算命先說我一生有財無庫，所以，當了二十幾年律師，仍是兩袖清風。」我坐在樹蔭清涼、繁花處處的大庭園裡，回想在這裡灌蟋蟀，卻灌出一條草蛇；空心菜摘了又長，如同變魔術一般神奇。
  也憶起七歲那年，調皮的我惹煩忙著汲水的阿嬤，她掄起竹掃把掃我一頓。夜裡，才想起是我的生日，煮出兩個蛋，一個歸我獨享，一個由哥姐分食。阿嬤摸摸我猶留笞痕的手臂：「死查某鬼仔！真是大人吃肉，囝仔吃打。」
  艱困歲月裡，厝內經濟是捉襟見肘，厝外卻是天寬地闊，任我遨遊。濁水溪堤岸，是一家人最常去的優美勝地－採西瓜、堆沙堡，或是揀回泛綠溪石，當成曠世稀寶典藏。
也有些活動，不能讓爸媽參與：到漫畫店租回「四郎真平」，藏在肚腹裡偷渡；花兩毛錢買枝仔冰，在圍牆外你一口、我一嘴舔個精光，夜裡吵架，捏得彼此腿上青一塊、紫一塊，天亮，媽喚姊姊打油，她瞪我一眼「走啦！」兩人一同出門，各走左右側溝沿，打了油，再各循原路返回。
  哥 在初一離家，從此，我們就不曾再吵過嘴。在電話是奢侈品、交通又不方便的時代，台中、西螺遠如天涯。最近，哥曾聊起當時心境：「新生訓練只有半天，結束 後，我走兩公里到車站，看著公路局的車子，心想：搭上車就可以回家；又想：明天還要上課，回去又得馬上出門，繞來繞去，不知該怎麼辦？
  最後，又走兩公里回學校。想像一個理和尚頭的小男孩，在車站來回徘徊，我不禁心酸。
 
幸運的我，晚三年才割斷臍帶。高一負笈他鄉，此後，台中、台北、華盛頓、紐約州，家，越來越遠。我如候鳥，逐月、逐季、逐年歸返。每一回，爸媽都問相同話語：「什麼時候擱轉來？」轉來，成了最殷切的叮嚀。
 
擠在座椅縫隙中，雙腳懸空，直到全身麻木，為的是趕上中秋夜，看阿嬤一面殺柚子，一面唸著：「月娘光光，目睛金金。」

風雪中的紐約州，華航在「世界日報」刊登巨幅廣告：「別人吃火雞，我們回家吃湯圓。」艷紅圓仔閃著溫潤光澤，我彷彿回到昏黃燈光下，有時比賽誰搓得最圓，有時刻意搓得大小不一，再參差排列，湯頭清時，大家都不愛吃，總是得再三回鍋，煮至黏稠帶點焦香，才是人間美味。
 

我癡望藍天：搭上飛機，就可以回家。出嫁十幾年，僅有一次回家過年，車抵家門，爸早就站在陽台上張望，轉身對屋內大聲呼喊：「韻芳回來囉！」洋溢而出的喜悅，暖著我的心頭。只是，對女人而言，家永遠是兩處模糊地帶，回家，永遠是難有著落的夢想。
  夜半驚醒，湧上的常是來不及奔喪的恐懼。阿嬤高齡九十三，臨終前，她已退化至認不得我；媽媽因糖尿病失明，每天打胰島素，吞二十幾顆藥，我害怕夜裡的電話， 我深知：至親，隨時可能離去。每週打一通電話，三天寫一封信，儘揀神奇事物談笑；接獲爸的來信，卻忍不住淚如泉湧，終至放聲痛哭。
  阿嬤過世，是在我回國以後，中午接獲電話，爸爸的口氣十分平靜：「阿嬤走了，我餵她喝過牛奶，扶她躺下，再回頭，她已經走了。」車子奔馳在高速公路，我的心不慌不亂，反倒有些暖意。想像中拖著女兒、萬里奔喪的畫面不曾出現，我恍然明白：台北離家不遠。離家不遠，就是幸福。

  爸爸的離去，卻是讓我措手不及。新居由一片菜圃轉成樓房錯落，不過一年半。姊姊長住，我維持每個月回去一趟。回家的日子，多半是做幾樣自認神奇的菜，堆到爸媽碗裡；買幾件體面的衣服，讓他們掛在衣櫥。
  爸爸問我：「你猜猜看，我晚年的願望是什麼？」我屢猜不中，答案是：「讓自己圍棋段數更高。」我疏忽了，每天都有老友來陪爸爸下棋：我的小學老師、崙背老醫生、民眾服務站主任、還有十來歲的孩童，在這塊土地自在過活，就是爸爸最大的快樂。
 
難怪我們想陪他出國觀光，爸一笑：「我在電視上都看過，不必長途跋涉。」多邀幾次，他乾脆表明：「離開家，我就睡不著。」爸爸出門的興致越來越低，甚至連請 他到嘉義吃早餐，他都說：「改天吧！出一趟門，就覺得累。」我聽不出警訊，仍傻傻妄想：有一天，他會答應我一起到夏威夷曬太陽、喝咖啡。
 
直到爸爸騎腳踏車出門，頭暈得幾乎軟倒在門口，我們才發現：他的胃悶、腹痛不是慢性胃炎或潰瘍，癌細胞早已在他的大腸肆虐多年。姊姊輪白天，哥嫂輪夜晚，爸爸住進省立醫院四天，哥才通知我：「爸爸要開刀，惡性的成分很高，爸說：『台北遠』，你等週六再回來。」
 
台北遠嗎？考上大學時，爸爸託他的棋友開小貨車，花一天親自陪我註冊；出國時，他送到機場，我入登機門後，他指著飛機告訴姊：「我們來看看，能再看到韻芳嗎？」
  結婚當天，他清晨五點出門，陪我北上，喜宴後，又趕在深夜返家。台北一點兒也不遠。是塵俗瑣事讓遊子的心靈逐漸走遠，忘記去傾聽「不要牽掛我」背後的聲音。

「不要牽掛我，我很快會健康回來。」住院第一晚，爸爸提著點滴瓶，電話裡向媽許下承諾，決定轉診到林口長庚，爸堅持要再回家住一夜。
 
晚餐，全家圍坐，每個月都有團圓相聚，今夜，格外珍惜。爸爸第一件事是為媽挾菜。「我好幾天沒有為妳做事了。」媽媽失明二十年，爸爸每天帶她散步、為她添飯、布菜、倒洗澡水，爸爸捨不得離家，最大原因就是媽媽的眼睛。
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離 家前，爸爸戀戀環視自己一花一草耕耘的庭園，道出心願：「四個月後，我會完全康復，就可以再整理這片花園。」車上，爸爸說：「我這一生沒有遺憾，也沒有罣 礙。如果問我：一生最大的成就是什麼？我要說：是和妳媽媽一起建立這個家。」我緊握爸爸的手，心想：這座堡壘該換我們來撐持。
 
手術順利，爸爸在一星期後出院。一個半月後，發現癌細胞蔓延至肝，爸爸重回長庚，這次離家，足足三十五天。三組人馬輪流照護，日間，陪爸爸看窗前鳥雀啁啾：夜裡，陪爸爸看窗外燈火點點，從小至大，這是首次須臾不離。共同話題不多，仔細想來，爸一向不是多話的人。
 
他不曾天寒叫我們添衣、肚餓叫我們加食，也不曾對我們嘮叨他的期望。只是，在我為大學聯考失利而放聲痛哭時，他會拍拍我：傻孩子！妳一生的幸福，又不是只決定在這次考試。」
 
我回家坐月子時，天天吃麻油雞腰仔，他會瞞著阿嬤，偷偷削一個水梨給我；我返鄉任教的四年，他疼惜我中午騎車往返辛苦，總是用摩托車接送我。
  我為他梳頭，笑著說：「我記得以前為你拔白髮，一根一毛錢。」姊姊接口：「聞一次腳丫，說好香，也有一毛錢。」

爸爸摸摸他稀疏泛黃的髮梢，早年，他烏黑茂密的濃髮人人稱羨，他也試過幾種染髮劑，想留住意氣風發的青春。此刻，他卻神情黯然望著鏡中自己。

「這些已不再重要。」什麼才是重要的？夢囈之中，爸爸回到他獲頒孝行獎的會場，這是他心中認定最大的榮耀嗎？
 
我埋首寫故鄉廟埕的劇本大綱，他眼中閃著光芒：「回家以後，我為妳找更多資料。」我想：爸爸要的很簡單：活著回家。和未知拔河，活著，卻十足艱難，爸爸由每日來回走動，誓言保持出院後的體力；撤退至走兩步就喘息不已：再至廁所後，力拉才能起身。
 
我試著探詢他最後的心願：「爸，你說阿嬤八十歲就備好壽衣，如果萬一，穿律師服好不好？」爸笑一笑：「律師服？很好啊！我為媽祖奉獻十三年，如果媽祖允許我選擇，我不想去西方極樂世界，我覺得那裡比較寂寞，我想回到鄉里，做個小小土地公，還是可以照看妳們。」
 
爸爸眼中霧氣深沈，在選擇回小鎮當律師時，他早已看淡物質名利；在為生命奮力掙扎時，他最不捨得還是家。
 
高燒過後，他正式把心願託付給我。「我不要在醫院走，我要回家。」我許下承諾：「我知道。」
賀伯颱風前夕，爸爸在醫師允諾下，意識清楚返家。風雨之中，他時時望著窗外：這處他用一生守護的家園。四天後，他在自己的床上過世，姿勢就像睡著一樣安詳。陷入昏迷前，他叮嚀我的最後一句話是：「下禮拜再回來。」
今年清明，我和哥姊一起上墳。在新厝整理香燭蔬果，備幾道爸爸生前愛吃的食物。女兒問我：「媽，我們為什麼要在西螺買房子？」我望向堆著雜物的客廳，尋覓當年想法：「我曾經有一個夢，想在退休以後，回來和阿公一起住。」舊夢已遠颺，淚，瞬間湧上。
  我攬一攬女兒：「走吧！我們去看阿公。」墳頭的草郁郁青青，墓碑上的爸爸穿著律師服，淡淡笑著。
  我們憶起：百日後，各自夢見爸爸，他或是壯年，或是老年，都是笑容依舊，此後，爸爸就不曾再入我們夢中。
 
失去父親三年，生命，難免顛簸難行，但是，我們彼此用心扶持，很快走出風雨，重見陽光。墳前，我們輪流撐傘，媽媽交代：要撐起傘，爸爸才能安心享用。我望著 爸盛年英挺的面容，低聲說：爸，吃飯了。」白花花陽光下，不見爸爸身影。不過，我相信：爸爸一定離家不遠，因為，不管身在何處，我們一直都離家不遠。


原繕打該文者言：
在報上看到這篇文章，我看得無法自已。利用深夜，坐在電腦前，一句一句看，一字一字打，縱然不再是初次閱讀，淚水，仍一次一次順著臉頰滑落，是某種情愫牽動 著吧，我想。故事很長，謝謝你很有耐心的看到最後，即使明知很長，我還是只想將故事打完；即使明知故事很長，你還是堅持著把它讀完朋友，此刻，我只想說： 謝謝你！！
  家人是最珍貴的寶物，愛情也許會變淡，友情也許會消失，而家人永遠在你最需要時，在你身後靜靜的守候。
所以請你－－可以的話，對你的家人好一點。





據小站上風雨夜的查證, 這篇是台北衛理女中國文教師廖韵芳老師的作品, 據說是 2001 年票選最佳散文.