You know, there's a word that keep ringing in my mind. It's like an echo, the only difference is that this sound never fade. But when I tried to write it down, a train of many thoughts will push that sound away. It's like a butterfly that you'd never catch.
I love girls. When I was young, I noticed them quite early in my age. That was a wonderful feeling then. I would be so giddy going home to tell my mom, I like that girl, or that one, or the other one. It is weird I never told me dad. My mom and sister both felt funny about it. Yeah, I like different girls every two years, since we change class every two grades in elementary.
When I get older, that feeling did not recede at all. But now it mixed up with hormones. I had hard time to discern which is which. It was okay in the middle school, since I was busy playing with friends. When I came to USA, I think the situation was a bit more dire. It was high school, and US girls do not have dress code. In other words, they can make themselves even prettier. Their attitude were more lively. But I was in a more awkward position. I am short, cannot really speak smoothly, and I like them. It was painful.
I distracted myself with sports. That was till the best thing. I am not good at anything in high school really, nothing special about English, history, science, computer. There might be a slight edge in Math, but again, it's only because I was not good at anything else. I love basketball. That seemed to be the only thing I remember this days that I was okay. But since I was too short, I can't make the team.
The first day in school, I immediately met a girl. That's not mention her name. If there's anything I remembered that day, it was her smile. As big and shining as sun outside. To start to tell the story. I would start with that smile.
It's been a long while since I saw that smile. I was lonely and in a really bad place. I was so lonely. I would sit in a room and explode, and nobody would know. The only thing good that came out of that loneliness was that I had a lot of time to reminiscent. I did not need to care about right or wrong. I let fancy get hold of me. But the only thing that constantly came up was that big sunny smile. I missed it terribly. I wonder how come I did not talk to her more. I wonder why I did not advance. No, I don't wonder. I know. Whenever I liked a girl, I kept a distance. I was afraid. I was petrified. They always made my heart jump a bit faster. I reasoned, I had a weak heart. To be in close proximity with them was not good for my health. Yes, that's the reasoning. It's a lot easier to play basketball, and be with other people.
But a lonely time made me wonder deeper. And now, I had time to regress, which lead to regret. For a mathematician, my way of expression was through numbers. So I devised a huge and complicated equations. After so many X's, Y's, plus and minus, I suddenly had an idea. What if there's a machine, that I could extract my memory of that big shiny smile out of brain. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I was alone in this prison. I did not seem to have photogenic memory, this is the only way I could make my memory available to me in clear pictures with sounds as well. I could hear her voices, with her faces. Even it's just a very short fragrant pieces. Just to see her face, to hear her voices. I imagine I would be comforted. I would be rejoiced.
Did I love her? Love is such a big idea. I don't know. I don't think so. I did not really know that girl. But how much I wish I'd fall in love with her, then love her. But I love girls. How could I be sure that I would not love somebody else? It was and is confusing. But I believe if I saw that smile and voice laughing, it would be great. I don't need to be afraid that I would disappoint anyone. I love her, it is a sad phrase. I constantly had wet dreams about all these pretty girls I met in DVDs, TV shows, and Ads. I probably mixed feeling of like and hormones. But how could I be certain of that? I love her? Oh, well, let me love an illusion. Right? Better than not loved at all.
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