After these long talks, I felt I am increasingly at odds with other people, including W. I found myself obsessed logging in my email again and again, so many times in a day. I was in a frenzy, I can't wait for their responses. When there is nothing, I felt afraid. Did I say something offensive? Was my attitude too affront?
There are two things that troubles me.
1. I was very much in distraught about the difference in opinions. I felt I am with odds with almost anything form them. It was very painful. I was afraid of I might say something to please them just for the sake of pleasing them; but I so wish to be in sync with them, so much so, I felt I must have something wrong, I could not see from their perspective.
2. I am alone. Those emails meant so much for me. If there's any discomfort to the other side, it will magnify in me 10 times. I have nothing to think about but the words of these letters. I kept pondering on them all day long and more.
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