Running in Circle

 Don't know why, but I'm running in circle

I finished transferring an article from one of my mom's book to my blog.  After that, out of nowhere, I started to check if it's in my blog already.  And voila!  Yes, it was, put it in long time ago!  Another day, I did the same thing to another article, I kept thinking, it's an important piece of information.  I gotta put it up so other people can see it too...  No, already did it...  

Then a few days after, I started another project, taking pictures of my old sketches trying to preserve them.  But suddenly, I asked myself, did I do this already?  Well, I found out that I did some...  

I am working half days, and I started to apply for jobs about 2 month ago.  When I am looking at other job, I feel like I'm running in circles again.  Since 2018, I had 5 new jobs.  And I found one thing, doesn't matter what job it is, I am very anxious at any position.  I thought the best job would be the job that I could keep doing it until I go home, Mailman, is such a job.  When I went home after each day, I was tired, unfulfilled. And feeling isolated.  I thought it's because of I was alone on the delivery route.  So I got another job, I worked independently at off sites.  Receive, inventory check, stocking, organizing, emailing, I felt more isolation, unfulfilled, and anxious.  I do think that me and my manager was not communicating well at all.  But that's a whole other story.  Anyway, I changed to my current job, it's very simple, pick, helped packing, restocking.  And only for half days.  But I keeping looking for money, for I made very little money, and lots of free time on my hand.  I was reading some books back then, but again.  I stopped recently.  I want to upload some book readings.  This is progressing rather slowly.  

I looked at jobs, and wonder, maybe I should go back to school?  But what am I going to study?  And how am I going to pay for it?  But mostly just what am I going to study?  I now know that my anxiety stemmed from my not communicating to people around me.  I know this because, if I am anxious and focus totally on work, keeping looking forward to finish the work.  But I look at other people, they are much more relaxed, and joke about stuff.  I immediately knew, my focus on the task at hand, was a way to keep myself away from people.  I don't know why.