whatever flows to the surface

a few days ago, Michelle came in warehouse and chatted with vic and me.  Whenever she talked to me, it's usually about me should get a girl friend.  One of the remark she made kept me thinking.  For she asked me if I had sister, I said yeah, and she's married.  She then wondered if she had kid.  No, I added, she doesn't want kid.  The reaction from Michelle was surprising, she said, "what did your parents do to you guys, that your sister doesn't want kid, and you don't want to even get a girlfriend."

A very sad remark.  indeed.  I don't know, for my sister, she cannot stop lamenting her childhood.   Me, I am just a coward.


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I watched a movie today, called housebound.  It came from New Zealand.  It was a very good movie.  It was a horror movie infused with humour.  I thought it was a very complete movie.  I mean there're light hearted moment, scary moment, and also talk about relationship with family.

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we went to malden and dined at an Ethiopian restaurant.  its presentation is very interesting.  we had four people, my mom, PQ, April, and I.  We ordered 3 meals.  But when the waitress brought the food, she brought a huge round pan, around 21 inches in diameter, a huge Ethiopian bread on the bottom, and our three meals, just dumped on the bread, decorated with some salad.  The ethiopian bread looked a bit purple, and sponge like.  It tasted sour, I thought a bit like sour dough, but April said sour dough has more a wine fragrance.  Ethiopian bread was just sour...  :p  We just used those bread as a wrap and put those lambs, beef, and salad on the them.  It was quite an experience.

Their bathroom was stinky though.  Reminds me of Chinese restaurant...  lol

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some quotes from being a wallflower

Charlie: Mr. Anderson? Can I ask you something?
Bill: Yeah.
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.


-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-

Charlie: There is so much pain. And I-I-I don't know how to not notice it.
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?


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Random blabbering(with thoughts on movie)

I was mowing the lawn yesterday.  The neighbor's dogs were barking at me.  But it was a different kind of bark.  They were more ferocious.  I guess it was because our last encounter.  It was really sad.  Hope time will soften the ferocity.  Need to find out about how to stop the bark too... 

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Exodus: Gods and Kings

Before I watched the movie, I went and watched ten commandments first.  Huyin Ahyi said she even went back to read exodus in the bible.  lol

The movie was ok.  I never really like political part of Ridleyscott's movie, beginning with the gladiator, and with Exodus as well.  For in the movie, Moeses did something  that makes me feel like an 20th century person would've done.  It almost felt like another Lawrence of Arabia. 

But there are surprises in the movie.  There is "Philadelphia" in the movie.  I was expecting bitter rivalry from the start, but instead, I found love between two brothers.  It was such a contrast in the original movie.  I'd think the portrayed Rameses was a factor in it.  Every arts emits a feeling to its audience.  I could feel such a strong philadelphia towards the end of the movie, especially when Rameses ran towards Moeses even when the sea was right upon him.  I know, it is weird by calling someone who's trying to kill the other person and feel the love between the two.  But that's how I felt... 

The  contrast between the movies is mostly focused on Moeses.  At the end of the movie, I could feel how incredible Moeses was in the Ten Commandments.  But that's not how I felt for this movie.  Somehow Moeses was shrinked to something else.  The dramatic meeting between Pharaoh and Moses was reduced to an alleyway, knife wielding, assassin attempted-like scenario.  I don't know, the movie made Mosese less relevant .  But movie does make one think more clear than the ten commandments, the feeling of Moses towards Egyptians, during the plaques. 

The effect of cgi was of course pretty good.  the battlefield sequence was spectacular also.  I mean, it's Ridleyscott's movie after all. 

I"ve been thinking

I've been thinking.  I don't want to do my current warehouse job for long time.  It is necessary to decide where I want to go next.  I do not want to do nothing again.  The first criteria to this decision to me is do I dare to choose to do what I want to do, or choose to do what I think I can do?

What I can do is little.  What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach.  The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy?  To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go  back to school.  To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.

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I was yelling at  my mom yesterday.  I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!"  My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious.  From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from  1994.  I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary.  I cannot feel grown up.

I felt neglected.  But what about my mother?  I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid.  I felt I know my mother very well.  I know how neglected she felt.  But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life.  She has that energy ingrained in her.  However, I am sacking it.  The guilt I felt.

The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister  gave to her.  Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing.  I said let's go to uncle's house and see.  Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours.  I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year.  This frustrate me to no end.  The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me.  I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house.  That really irritated her.  In return, I got madder and madder.  Then all hell broke loose.  I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother.  IT was and is really taxing on both party every time.  I eventually planted everything.   While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration.   The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit.  But it did not.  After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.

My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago.  I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me.  All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either.  I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there.  All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is.  But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago.  When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases.  Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things.  I hate coward, and I am one. 

Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape.  And so do I.  I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner! 

The problem with girls, cannot be solved.  Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend.  My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself.  I've been trying to do that.  I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything... 

My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need.  I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation.  frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father.  I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....


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