why do you stay up so late?

It is 11:46 pm.  I am alone, doing nothing.  no people to talk to, no book to read, I don't work, why am I still up in this hour? 

I feel unfinished.  I am very sleepy, tired, and weird.  I was surfing through youtube, looking for reviews of games I love.  I did not see many good videos tonight, unlike last night. 

What do I want right now? 

I was reading a book called the science of yoga--the risk and reward today.  It was a really good read.  The author  is a very experienced writer.  He knew how to write, and I also felt I got many news on science procedure, physiology, and history.  I think every yoga practitioners need to read this book. 

I went to uncle's house at 8:30 pm.  They said they were going to cut cake, which was made by Lena, for my aunt ,  But Mao was not there.  So I watched women's basketball Olympic games.  Then I had cake, which was too sweet for me.  But aunt cut quarter of the cake for me to take home.  :p Wondering how to make it go away... 

I don't know how I could ever endure all these years.  No contact to the outside world at all.  I now think I must hide something from myself, so I could know what I really want.  I am dishonest to myself.  There are feelings I want to avert.  I am kind of restless.  I need to find out what I am hiding from myself.  I can keep hiding from it by eating, drinking, self-loathing.  I need to know and be able to say in front of other people what I like, I think.  Keep vanishing in front of people diminishes myself.  Not that I am important, but to do anything, good or bad, humble or haughty, I need to hold on to something of myself.