struggle for a feeling of existence

when we cut out from outside world. what will happen? what will happen to the perception of my own existence?

i don't talk much of the day. i have a lot of inner conversation. the only one i talked to was myself. i can go anywhere i wanted to. i can do whatever i wanted to. i can eat whatever i wanted to. but i felt so confined. i don't seemed to be able to take initiative talking to people. but when people engaged me voluntarily, i sometimes could not stop, or have a feeling of poured out a river.

i now questioned my own existence. it is true. i can hear, i can see, i can smell, and i can feel physically. but something is amiss. something huge. a huge hole maybe. some say friends are windows. maybe i need to get some. but no, i don't want to. i hope this hole i am talking about is not created by the lack of outside contact, but rather paychecks. generally speaking, just financial security. once i worked, i might be able to fill that hole.

this talk about filling the hole with work and paycheck makes me sick. so sick, that i am in rage. i don't want to have friends, because i don't feel like i could hold my own against them. but they are not enemies! no, they are not. but we compete, compare, and contrast each other, don't we? how can i stand toe to toe, shoulder to shoulder to them? no matter what, i need to have paycheck! now! that hole might not be filled entirely with paycheck, it might still cover some portions. talking about it makes me hot! boiling!

i am always in rage, frustration, timidity, disappointment, and numb. i read and read. i watched and watched. i think and think. something is stopping me to take actions. the only one that could do that to me is myself. i see everybody fakes. i see myself fakes. i need to find a way to sustain myself. not just by money, but by something else! i need to exist. i am existing right now. i don't understand why i even questioned that?! i talked to myself, shouldn't that be enough sign to show that i exist?!

really? why then do you crumble before everyone? maybe i really should buy a tofu and bang my head on that till i die...