my mom's view on my writing

I have emails with my cousin and some of her friends. They talked about mostly what they read recently and found interesting. I joined through my cousin's invitation. She's nice.

I of course wrote some thoughts on some of the readings. They are talking about an article right now about Chinese should learn to repent privately, not something like a political confession in front of everybody in a public meeting. And by repent privately, Chinese could learn to build independent personality and think from themselves. The author is popular writer and professor in Mainland China. I was upset over some of the comments in the article about Chinese. I guess there's a big gap between Chinese who went through something as overwhelming as Cultural Revolution and those who did not. Their views on what is Chinese and what it meant in almost every old sayings are vastly different. At least they are vastly different from mine, a person who sits in front a screen, putting himself in a jail he made from thin air, and a person who is in the most populated Chinese place on this Earth.

I started to write what I thought. I was excited at first. But I could not really write. Because I very clearly know what I was about to write would definitely be frustrating to my cousin. I sat in front of the screen for 5 hours, I deleted every single entry. I emailed nothing. I was extremely mind boggling. There was something I really want to talk about. But I felt my words was going to be difficult to some people. I stepped out of the room. My mom asked me what did I do in there for 5 hours. I told her what happened. She bid me to take a walk with her. We discussed about it during the walk. It seemed to clear my mind.

I emailed my thoughts on the article the next day, privately to my cousin. It clearly bothered my cousin. For one she did not gave me reply at first but asked if I could share with other people. I did, and a long discussion commenced. My mom also asked how it went. So I showed some of the emails of mine and my cousin's to her.

After reading through many posts, She had a comment that shook me. She said that my cousin was really good at writing. She could explained herself really well, at the same time very smoothly, not offensive. She said that I did well too. But I did not express my meaning fully, there always seemed to have something alluding. I felt she also implied that I was offensive. I asked about it, and she confirmed it. I was kind upset. The one thing I did not want to be was being offensive. The one thing I wish to do is to express myself clearly. I failed both.

After that, I fell out of the discussion. I felt that I could not grasp the theme of the discussion and the article. I went very one sided. And when I went back to see some of the previous emails about other topics. I felt I was running circle again. The feeling of being trapped and that my perception of the things I saw was awkward, weird, within a very limited viewing angle compared to other people annoyed me deeply.

red cooking chicken

ginger, scallion, garlic
salt, sugar, vinegar, soy sauce, wine
Zanthoxylum simulans (also called: Sichuan pepper, Chinese Prickly-ash or Flatspine Prickly-ash)
cinnamon, basil

cut chicken into pieces
heat oil
put ginger, scallion, garlic in until flavor comes out
put chicken in, until the meat is white
put salt, sugar, vinegar, soy sauce, and wine in
put zanthoxylum simulans, cinnamon, and basil in
add a bit water
boil, cover, medium or medium high heat for 20-30 min
high heat until the juice almost dried out

方便

話說有個剛學過點兒中文的老美來到中國，中國朋友請他吃飯。

到了飯店落座，朋友說：「對不起，我去方便一下。」


見老外不明白，在座的中國朋友解釋說「方便」在口語裡是「
上廁所」的意思。


哦！老外意會了。


席中，有人對老外說：「希望我下次到美國的時候，你能提供些方便。」


「他去美國，讓我提供些廁所幹嗎？」老外納悶了。


道別時，另一位朋友熱情地說：「我想在你方便的時候請你吃飯。」


見老外驚訝發愣，這老兄接著說：「如果你最近不方便的話，那就改天………」


老外無語。


「………咱找個你我都方便的時候一起吃飯。」


老外隨即暈眩倒地。

泥古者

劉羽沖，佚其名，滄州人，先高祖厚齋公多與唱和。性孤僻，好講古制，實迂闊不可行。嘗倩董天士作畫，倩厚齋公題《內秋林讀書》一幅云：「兀坐秋樹根，塊然無與伍。不知讀何書，但見鬚眉古。只愁手所持，或是井田譜。」蓋規之也。

偶得古兵書，伏讀經書，自謂可將十萬。會有土寇，自練鄉兵與之角，全隊潰覆，幾為所擒﹔又得古水利書，伏讀經年，自謂可使千里成沃壤，繪圖列說於州官，州官亦好事，使試於一村，溝洫甫成，水大至，順渠灌入，人幾為魚。由是抑鬱不自得，恆獨步庭階，搖首自語曰：「古人豈欺我哉！」如是日千百遍惟此六字。不久，發病死。後風清月白之夕，每見其魂在墓前松柏下，搖首獨步，側耳聽之，所誦仍此六字也。或笑之，則隱。次日伺之，復然。

泥古者愚，何愚乃至是歟？阿文勤公嘗教昀曰：「滿腹皆書能害事，腹中竟無一卷書，亦能害事。國弈不廢舊譜，而不執舊譜﹔國醫不泥古方，而不離古方。故曰：『神而明之，存乎其人。』又曰：『能與人規矩，不能使人巧。』」

random thoughts

There are two modes of mind when I am reading something. The first mode, which bothers me very much. Because when I am in that mode, I could not concentrate on what is in front of me. Rather, I could only criticize it. From the moment I flip the first page and shoot my eyes onto the first sentence, I am not reading. Although I read every word, I am also weighing every single one of them. The result is very disturbing. I have a hard time to focus on the context. I am rather busying chatting inside of my brain. There will be broken sentences that I could distinctly remember. However, they seemed to be shredded, might even be taken out of context.

The second mode is when I am totally engrossed in the context of whatever I am reading at the moment. I'll most likely be in a place where it seemed that I am in the context, or it would appear that I am not in this mundane world. I don't criticize, I don't have inside chatting too much. What happened is that the contents of whatever I am reading filled my brain, like an air blown up a balloon. I feel relaxed and concentrated at the same time.

It is critical, picky, usually shallow, and focusing on expressing myself, rather than absorbing the material in the first mode. It is different for the other mode. It does not make me deep, but it would appear that I am more agreeable, more mellow. I would rather follow the trail. It is not that I would agree with everything I see in front of me. However, I use less language to formalize anything at the time I am reading. The two modes are not completely separated. But it is easier to go from the mellow one to the critical one.

傳統

現在仍有很多人在說傳統... 但是, 傳統, 有民族的, 有個人的, 有政權的. 所有的傳統, 有一個很重要的地方. 那就是, 傳統必須要是仍然存在的. 也就是說這個民族, 個人, 或者是政權如果仍在用這個傳統, 那麼, 傳統是存在的. 如果不用了, 那有啥統傳下來呢?

中國人, 無論是台灣香港還是大陸, 必須要瞭解一件事情. 那就是, 不能拿古代的經典來做傳統... 因為古代的經典往往很多都是矯正當時民族, 個人, 和政權的. 那並不是傳統. 如果要做傳統, 那時的人必須要改變後, 後人, 也就是現在的人也都有這個傳統才行. 如果沒有, 那就不是傳統!

我認為大部分的人所認識的傳統都是父母傳下來的. 而這個傳統的範圍幾乎不會超過六十年. 也就是說, 一個人在說傳統的時候, 他所認識的傳統, 無論是民族的, 個人的, 或者是政權的, 不會超過那個人生日之前的六十年. 因為, 這個傳統, 必須要是他真正看過的, 行為和思想. 而不是書上的...

那個不能行出來的傳統, 只是書上的墨水.