forum again?

i stayed up late every night. my mom always curious what i was doing so late. i always mumbled something meaningless.

what i do almost every night is going through certain forums again and again. i am looking for some topics that i could participate in. something i could get into. it almost feel like a conversation. i go to 4 or 5 forums around and around. i am disappointed almost every night. i am so tired. but i could not get myself out of this circle. it seemed that i wish to have conversations. it seemed that i wish to have somebody to talk to. but of course, i should be defeated by trying to go around forums every night. it's not the right way to go. i don't have much to share. i might think i know something. but i don't.

however, even after realizing this, i still wish for a meaningful communication. i need one desperately. it feel like a thunder in my lungs, or a crock pot rumbling with steam. this is a dead end. and i've banging my head on the wall for such a long time. i can't bear with it. i can't bear it.