Do I see myself, hear myself?

Had another episode yesterday.  Mom was stressing over a dental bill for two nights now.  Two night before, she could not sleep and got up at 2am.  It was the reason she asked me if her action in the early morning woke me? 

It's understandable that she's all riled up in the morning.  She told me all about this overpaid dental bill.  About how the dentist student, Tarick did not charge her for first few appointments.  Then he led her to the billing department to setup a billing plan, which was a monthly payment plan.  She did not realize that at the time.  When she started to get the  bill, and found that the student, Tarick, is graduating before summer this year.  She panicked.  The treatment plan is not even half done, and she already paid more than half of total bill.  If we are paying by whatever Tarick had done, we are clearly overcharged.  She is not confident what would happen once Tarick left, and the next dentist student could not figure out what Tarick has done, and the new student might want more money for himself too, the bill will just piled on even further.   So she called Tarick in the morning who was still sleeping, I guess Tarick told her that he will dig deeper and call her at 7.

I can't really recall what I said in the morning.  I think I just want to paint a clear picture of the whole thing in my mind.  I never bothered about the whole thing before.  My Mother is always capable to handle this sort of things.  In fact, she and I both agreed, she is better at dealing with this affair.  But upon hearing her complain, I want to know the big picture.  So I looked at the bill, and she was more than willing to share that info.  She was pretty organized, she has two dentists, one is Dr. Tao; the other is this Dr. Tarick.  The documents were put into two separate files according the the dentist.  Dr. Tao charges my mom every time with specific procedures.  Dr. Tarick file has a payment plan.  Then we calculate about how much money she paid, Dr. Tao: around 4000; Dr. Tarick: around 1800.  After I worked this out, my mom and I went for a walk. 

Right around 7, she received call from the doctor.  She explained further about her situation, the doctor decided to call her back again.  To be honest, I don't really trust the doc.  I doubted he would be sincere about listening to her concern and solve her problem.  And I think I must not have much confident about my mom's ability to communicate well either.  Because after she put the phone done, I started to inserting my own opinion.  I think I stressed on the word "Contract" repeatedly.  I could not stop talking, even when she showed signs of growing annoyance.  She started to raise her voice, and even asked, "why do you think it's my fault?"  My mind must've shut down immediately upon hearing the question.  That's not what I mean.  She was getting riled up more and more, and so was I.  There was a very small corner in my mind, asking at the same time, what should I say, and what is that I want to get across?  Do I looked down upon her way of thinking, communication skill, or something?!  She was screaming at me saying: "this is my own business, I don't need you to butt in and manage it for me!"  I was trying hard not to explode, but I still threw a  box and yelled out: "Fine, I wasn't in this from the beginning, don't bother me with this later!!" 

I just shut down.  I kept feeling something else in my mind, but all I could do was to repeat "contract", which made her feel like this over charged bill was all her fault.  I think that's how the scenario started.  Afterward, Dr. Tarick called again, I picked up the phone.  She and the doctor talked and I did not know what's what.   I started to be able to gather my words, after more than half an hour.  I came down and asked her to pause the video so we could talk.  I told her that the thought of her fault did not even cross my mind.  I mentioned contract only because I thought that's what she need to tell the doctor to end the current paying plan.  Because, it clearly bothered her to no end.  She needs to change the paying plan, paying every time for whatever the service was done that day.  That's all I want to say.  But I could not express it!  Because I could not say it outright, and even ignored her fear for being at fault.  The whole thing went haywire. 

She could not sleep, was up at 2 again.  I need to know  when to shut up, if it's her business, it's her business.  She can handle it, I could give her my two cents, but that's it.  Shut up and move on.  When she really needs my help, she will ask for it!  Don't leave, but do my own business! 

Two weeks after Taiwan

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri:

I finally saw the movie.  I thought I could watch it for an hour and continue next day.  I was so wrong.  The movie kept me going all the way through.  Although I was not impressed with the ending, the process was very engrossing.

There were so many unexpected turns, I could  hardly anticipate what's next.  Everyone has an angle and depth, that I could grasped in some ways.  I watched some reviews immediately afterwards, just like usual.  One of them mentioned strong characters as main reason audiences love the movie.  It makes me wonder, how was the plot driven, by plot's twists and turns, or by the characters created.

I read somewhere, an author said, he created a character, which forced the plot into certain direction where he has no control over.  Even for bio-pictures, they always showcase people with strong characters, non- conformers..  That's how a story was created.  Our daily mundane life really wasn't that interesting after all, it constitutes bunch of compromises.  Even the movie, the secret life of Walter Mitty, features a normal character on the surface, the story begins when that character wakes up and acts in some defiant ways.

Three billboards really was a well crafted story.  But the ending really is a bit ambiguous.  I wish to see the justice getting done.  Ending put the movie in a paradox, the movie presents itself with characters resisting the norms.  However, the movie also put those characters in a position where those actions was minimized.  I guess it's an author's defiance against the characters he created...


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I've been searched for job at least 4 hours from Monday to Wednesday.  Kind tired.  So I did nothing on Thursday.  I also felt extremely lonely.  The only person I talked to was my Mom.  Not much of talking than listening, not even active listening.  (is this perception a reality?)

Loneliness and tiredness caused intense sexual feeling.  Not very cool.  Has to find some way out.  Stay active, can only get me so far.  I think I need to talk to someone though.  Just talking to myself is really not healthy.  I know the feeling, eventually, everything stopped and stayed at the same spot, although it may look like feet moving.

Has to keeping moving though, action still counts better than nothing.  

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After I got back from Taiwan, I bought a lot of stuff.  A tablet for my mother, a bike for myself, returned 2 sunglasses that did not fit right, and still looking for a good pair of basketball shoes.  I am afraid, I am compensating.

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I went to Y to play some volleyball, and Tina was there.  I met her and her husband through Jo.  I like them and like her posts on FB quite often.  But when I saw her on Monday, my interaction was minimal.  She might feel weird?  I somehow was overcame by fear.  I don't know what, but this happened all the times after I got to know people for a periods of time.  And I know my interaction with other people was wonky at best.  But this is the least of my concern, for I only want to play.  But with Tina, the feeling of trying to escape is horrendous.   

What is that fear???  How do I not to act upon that fear? 


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I like to talk about my short comings, or other sad topics.  So when I went toSofiya's party 3 days after I got back, my recount of the event to my mother was that I did not and could not talk much about my trip to Taiwan; not much interaction with people, who used to be my colleague; and I could only talk about Mascon with them, to which, Aaron rightly pointed out, "why talk about the company in this joyful occasion..."  

This makes me think about a couple things:

1. Why do I like to talk about my inadequacy?   Does this give myself some sense of satisfaction?  Is that how I feel I exists in this world?  Or otherwise, how come I like to talk about it? 

2.  Was there any pleasantry during the Taiwan trip?  If there was, how should I present it? 

3.  I still need to practice how to express my happiness in full sentences... 



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