媽又摔跤了

 Mother had another fall today.  It's her fourth fall since last September.  This one she fell when she followed me to cross the street.  There's a road construction, the road is higher than the side walk, she must've watched me, did not notice the unevenness of the road.  Even though she had two walking stickers, her head had a huge bump, and her wrist injured as well.  It was so shocking, she could not walk.  I was trying to see if anyone can drive us.  I gestured to the cars drive by, but to no avail.  My mom finally said 911, I called and continued to wave at cars.  Finally, a car stopped, a young lady stopped but saw us without masks, she offered to call uber for us.  She even prepared to pay for the ride.  But the cop showed up and then so was ambulance.  We thanked the lady.  And the ambulance took mom to the Lawrence General Emergency.  Mom did not want to go.  But the bump on her head was really swelling and she was really shaken up.  I kind wanted her to go.  

When I got home, took her ID and Insurance, drove the emergency.  When I arrived, I instantly felt she's much calmer.  Dr, Timothy Chu was there consulting her.  Doctor said she seemed fine, without broken bones and very little chance of internal bleed.  He said there's no need for MRI.   He realized this is Mom's 4th falls in more than 6 months, he recommended in home Physical Therapy, which should call next week.  

Mom was really tired.  But she's so anxious.  She said she might need a NyQuil to help falling asleep.  I went to CVS, but saw ZZiquil.  Not sure, so I called my sister, who's having a covid bout.  For this reason, my mom did not want to tell her about the fall.  I told her everything, because I felt she kind needs to have a full picture to make a correct recommendation.  My sis was kind shocked too.  But know the full story, she recommended Tylenol PM, which is pain relief with sleeping aid.  I went home, told my mom I talked to the CVS consultation and Tylenol PM was the result.  

The reason Mom went to that road was because I forgot to bring aunt Grace's key.  Aunt Grace needed somebody to watch her apartment for a while.  I did not know when would she be home.  So I called mom to see if she could get key to me.  

I remember one of the fall was in the hospital.  I went with her that day, but stayed at waiting area.  I heard her yell, but did not expect her fell.  

I remember one of the fall was when she slept very little one night, she still wanted to exercise.  So she jogged around the house.  When I heard the sound, I came down stairs to jog with her while trying to make her laugh.  Then she fell right in front of me.  Her face hit the wall, her wrist was hurt trying to break the fall.  And her knee was in pain too.  

I remember one of the fall was when she trying to do something about her clothes that day.  She was standing right next to the kitchen counter, did not move her feet, only just turned her head.  Then she fell right in front of me, she bumped her ribs against the counter.  Nothing broke, we think.  But the pain last quite some times.  

This felt like a trend.  I really don't know what to do.  

It seems like...

 My lower back suddenly gave out last Wednesday.  From then on, I took 2 sick days.  I was lying down most of the weekends.  I had similar incidents before.  But not as bad as this one.  And a week or two ago, I was severely bloated, which is a rare event for me.  I wonder if those two incidents are related.  

My lower back pain this time actually feels like Sciatica pain.  Because it goes from my lower left side all the way to my left feet.  I can even feel the path of transmission, sometimes, it's tingling, sometimes it's heat.  It's also is subsided a little bit, very little bit.  I was on Jury Duty today, I was able to sit in the court waiting for judge's action, fortunately, the defendant pleaded guilty.  We were led go at 11:30.  I can move out of sitting position without too much pain, unlike what I encountered over the weekend.  

I wonder if it's sciatica, would be healed.  I wonder if it's not healed, what would I do?  My uncle has sciatica for 5 years now.  I was thinking about how he worked all his life, after retirement, he has difficulty moving around.  But suddenly, I am in the same situation.  I really have to make a decision, trying to learn and plan how I want to the rest of my life?!!  

有時候突然想吃。。。

 有時候會突然有一種感覺在腦袋裡升起來，可能是視覺，又或者是味覺，咦，我想吃。。。  

大概是三個多月以前，不知道為什麼突然很想吃果醬，而且是藍莓醬。  總是想到那幅圖畫， 藍莓醬塗在麵包上的樣子。  自從三年前，媽媽發現賴宇凡，介紹給我妹後，我妹積極研究碳水化合物，也就是含糖的食物的壞處後。  我和媽媽也大大減少碳水物的進食。  所以這個藍莓醬的慾望，雖在腦海裡醞釀，我卻遲遲不肯嘗試。  這樣過了一陣子後，這慾望又進化了，不知道為什麼一個多月前，突然在腦袋裡出現了一種奇怪的味覺。  這是一種奇特的組合，之前藍莓醬先有了視覺而後才有味覺，現在卻突然感覺乾羊酪拌藍莓醬，塗在麵包上，那味道似乎在我的舌尖上擴散開來，不是爆炸的感覺，而是暖暖的，象被包容在裡面的一樣！  

終於我和媽媽去了一趟 Costco，我們替胡熒阿姨買了 Ciabatta bread ，本來我都是買牛角麵包，但這次我們也買了一包 Ciabatta。  我跟媽媽說，我已經想了很久的一個吃法， ciabatta 是種很適合這種吃法的麵包。  於是我又備齊了乾羊酪和藍莓醬，藍莓醬還是在 Whole Food 買的。  我早餐的時候終於第一次吃到了我腦袋想像很久的味道。  想像畢竟是想像，還是要和現實相比較才能證實到底是不是那個味。  令人慶幸的是，那味道實在和自己想得很像，甚至還要更好。  後來的一個多月裡，經常這樣搭配來吃，還去買了比較好的乾羊酪。  媽媽也開始吃了，他也說很好吃。  

到最後我們終於介紹給我妹吃。  他和我妹夫聽到的時候都覺得不可思議。  他們認為乾羊酪實在不適合他們的口味。  之後，我妹嘗過一小口，他的感覺就是乾羊酪帶點霉味，實在吃不下去。  這也是現實，並不是我喜歡的東西別人也喜歡。  我今天來寫這事情是因為，我今天晚飯把剩下的乾羊酪配著柳丁吃光了。  沒有麵包，仍然是很好吃。  我大概表情太特殊，我媽說她也滿喜歡，但畢竟沒有我那麼喜歡。  是的，海邊有逐臭之夫，我家也有。  特別的是，這個搭配是在腦袋裡醞釀了好久，而想像和現實相合的確是快事。  

後記： 我想想，這種乾乳酪配水果的吃法在歐洲人是常事。  我以前也覺得好怪。  但是， 不知道是甚麼理由，這次卻好像魚水交歡一樣。  我在腦袋裡醞釀藍莓醬時，就一直想到乾乳酪配水果，真的不知怎麼想到乾羊酪的？  

詩鈔

 Sonnet 19:  When I consider how my light is spent

by John Hamilton    

When I consider how my light is spent,

Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,

And that one Talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest he returning chide;

"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"

I fondly ask.  But patience, to prevent 

That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need

Either man's work or his own gifts; who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best.  His state

Is Kingly.  Thousands at his bidding speed

And post o'er Land and Ocean without rest:

They also serve who only stand and wait."  

Was organizing some files on Friday, I saw I jotted this poem on a big envelope a few years back.  I was surprised I had not yet put this poem on this blog.  :p  

What caught my eyes were the phrase, "God doth not need either man's work or his own gift..."  And I guess the last sentence, "They also serve who only stand and wait"  Waiting patiently and in readiness(stand), God is merciful.  

Move, man, just don't be still

 I was in the yard worked for 20 minutes.  After that I came, did my balance sheet.  And now, been browsing for more than 40 minutes.  5 minutes ago, I kept reminded myself.  If I have nothing to do online, then I should get off.  And yet, I kind don't want to.  So I searched my brain for anything ahead planned.  No.  Anything interesting to do?  No.  Anyone I want to contact.  Kind want to call Roger so I could go to his house and watch 2 highly anticipated games.  But maybe not want to call.  Feel out of blue by calling him, since I don't contact with anyone.  I was planning to go to herring run today but instead went with my sis yesterday afternoon.  I did a bit exercise this morning.  very little, still something though.  I think I will do some for now.  Just to keep myself moving.  I feel a bit blue right now, though the weather is so nice out.  

Belfastafterthought

 Finished watching the movie and really liked it.  

I really like the black and white used in the movie.  Since the movie is from director's memory.  The black and white and millions of grey served the purpose well.  And it's such a simple setting, the lights and darkness somehow amplified in this mode of shooting.  I loved that one shot with grandpa and Buddy doing long division by the window.  But there were many others.  

JudyDench and CiaranHinds were amazing.  I loved them both already.  But their chemistry here was just beautiful.  Don't know why but almost every scene of them together, I could feel a long history between them.  Both of them are old now, so maybe acting as old couple aren't that difficult.   When I was watching a scene with Judy and Buddy on a bus, I was completely overtaken by Judy's performance.  It's such a shrewd performance, which must come from a very keen observation of people around her, and possibly herself.  She did not have much line in the scene, but with a few snicker or a chortle, which convey her age, and temperament so vividly.  Just wonderful.  

There're so many conversations between characters that are memorable.  The young actor was great at portraying at his own age.  It sounds so weird that old actors great at portraying elderly, and young for kids.  But the writing here somehow catches that sense of  祖輩和孫子。  I think here also showed Director's ability to communicate with actors.  When I watched the second time with my mom and my sister, I found how simple the movie really is.  The setup of each scenes is almost like a stage play.  What I feel as an audience really comes from the strength of the conversation between the characters, husband and wife(through 2 generations), friends, neighbors, fathers(through 3 generations), cousins.  The flavor come from words in this movie.  

There are some many heart felt laughter from this movie.  I highly recommended.  

The scene where pa said to ma, you raised these kids by yourself, not me.  somehow reminded me of my mom telling me almost the same thing her dad used to tell her that her ma raised her, not by her pa.  But in that context, i felt my grand pa meant that my mom's siblings' way of doing things is essentially from their mother, which might be different from grand pa's way.  the movie though I think was meant as a praise, not an assessment.  Then when I saw buddy asking his pa about grand pa helping him, I felt the impact of those words from previous scene.  Then I thought of all the parents who had to leave their kids and work from afar to provide.  A very universal scene, really.  

The way movie showed the world through child's eye also reminded me of JOJORabbit.  But JOJORabbit has more exaggeration and cartoony approach.  I liked Ken's movie better.  

Quote:

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but then I became a man and I put away childish things...

So do not say in grief that you are sorry he is gone. 

Rather say in thanfulness you are grateful he was here..."

opsodi iladk i odp paodp kkk e k

 今天早上我在 YT 上看到一個影片，裡面提到一九七三年的石油危機時，那個人剛從大學畢業，拿到了第一份薪水，但因為通膨廿%，以為可以用半年的薪水只用了一個月。  我就問媽媽他有無碰過同樣的事情。  他說他那時根本不知道有石油危機。  而且都是很省的過日子，哪裡有啥困難。  接著就說了一些以前的事情。

他是民國五十九年大學畢業。  畢業後他考進國中老師訓練班，那時國教九年剛開始不久，滿需要老師的，他和虞珍阿姨都去考了。  在他確定分發到宜蘭頭城去當國中老師時，媽媽看到了立法院招考記錄員。  媽說她在很輕鬆的情況下去考的，似乎都沒有啥準備，想想只是紀錄嘛。  他說他去考場的那一天，不知道為啥大家都在埋頭看報紙。  後還他才知道他們看的是當時的公報，公報的內容就是當時立法院紀錄員的會議紀錄。  但是媽媽一點都沒有準備，考試的內容是一篇聽寫和一篇作文。  當時考試沒有上。  媽媽也無所謂。  反正他已經有地方去了。  

媽媽去頭城教書的故事是我們從小聽到大的。  那是他最高興一段往事。  他隻身前往頭城，住在老師宿舍裡，那是他人生頭一次完全獨立，沒有外婆的羈絆，外公的管教，弟妹也都很遙遠。  於是她全身投入當時的環境中，從他自己的口中可以知道他非常享受這樣的生活。  一開始教國一的國文，非常受學生的愛戴。  不過他說自己第一堂課的時候，站在講台後面，兩條腿都在發抖。  漸漸的，其他的老師在知道媽媽滿會教國文後，也請他代課，尤其是國文文法課。  到了第二年，連校長都知道了，竟然請媽媽去教國三的學生。  他說國三的學生個個高頭大馬，母親那麼矮小，他說一開始也有點困難，但是母親說他就是不會罵人，總是很有耐心的教導。  而且他說當時的課文都沒有變，他要學生背書，他自己就先琅琅上口，學生都很服他。  

媽媽在頭城待了三年，直到外公給他安排到交通部運輸計劃委員會去。  他自己很想要給班上的同學一些禮物，但是自己只是一個窮教員，哪有錢花呢。  後來他在台北的家中找到一些外公剩下的筆，也不知是原子筆還是鋼筆，外公也是省得要命，外殼都滿新的。  於是媽媽去重慶南路的文具行買了筆芯，然後把他當作畢業禮物送給一些他很喜歡的學生。  媽說這些學生都好高興，又回送了一堆的他們自己家裡出產的農作物，捕魚或自己曬的蝦米做回禮。  媽媽自己吃不完，都帶回家給外婆了。  因為提到通膨，媽媽說他在頭城的同事裡，一個教師攜家帶子，一家四口都住在宿舍裡，他們也常常會去摘採野菜，媽說就像現在住在澎湖的姊妹那樣，也會到海邊去採貝殼。  這個教師常常會和媽媽這些比較年輕的老師說哪裡哪裡有可以摘採的野菜和貝殼。  媽媽說在很久以後他才聽說當時有另一個年輕的男教師在追他，可是他一點都不知道。  聽說那位男同事後來還是娶了一位同校的老師。  他說要是他那時在頭城結婚了，那人生真的和現在大不一樣。

媽說他的第一份薪水，兩千多元是給了外婆。  但是，在他的記憶裡，外婆並沒有特別高興。  外婆在媽媽懷我的時候，到了美國一趟，好像在舅舅家住了一個月。  回到台灣的時候，還特別跟葉婆婆說舅舅拿給外婆看自己在美國的第一份薪水，似乎外婆那時笑得合不攏嘴。  但是，媽媽說，葉婆婆跟外婆說，那麼高興，看看到時你能用到一個子兒嗎?！  (我的印象可能有誤。)  

媽媽在運輸委員會做的很不開心，在此期間常常往返台灣和日本之間。  甚至有想要在日本找工作的機會。  但是都沒有成功。  後來在家裡來了一封意外的信。  竟是立法院紀錄員的通知單。  四五年前的那一次考試，那是幾千人的考試裡面選出四人。  媽媽當時不是前四名，卻是第五名。  這時，前四名中的一位考上了高考，要走了。  於是立法院就來函問媽媽是否願意替補。  媽媽剛從日本找工作失敗回來，他當然欣然同意。  從此在立法院待了十五年左右。  他說他在考試時，聽寫中漏了一段，他知道漏掉了那一段是逼不出來的，當機立斷，繼續往下紀錄。  後來，他進立法院後，聽說他的聽寫不是太好，但是他的作文卻是當時考試的第一名，甚至比林梅貽還好。  他說那個題目多半是他自己喜歡寫的那一種，慷慨激昂，正面向上的那一種。  

這裡還得提到一位叫郭琛的立法院同事。  我記得這個名字，可是印象裡有點淡。  因為媽媽和秦金台阿姨見面時往往會問問這位郭琛阿姨。  今天提起他，媽媽說那時郭琛出了一車禍。  也就是因為這場車禍，郭琛找到了爸爸。  媽媽自己也因為頻尿的問題，透過郭琛，媽媽認識了爸爸。  而秦金台阿姨是郭琛的同學，也是由郭琛阿姨認識小于叔叔的。  很有趣，一場車禍， 兩場婚姻。  這個立法院的經歷幾乎可以自己獨立成為一篇。  但是我這裡只是簡短的紀錄。  也就，將就將就。  

媽媽就在立法院時期結婚，搬家，生子，喪母。  這結婚一事，對媽媽來說是滿苦痛的。  媽媽和爸爸決定結婚後，媽媽要把爸爸的照片寄給外公外婆。  可是爸爸當時實在沒有很多照片。  唯一能找到的一張照片，是一個大光頭照，爸爸是民國十七還是十八年次的，照片可能也滿老相。  寄到日本後，外婆乘風似的趕回來阻止。  這過程是很激烈的。  媽說外婆連飢不擇食的話都說出來，甚至還因此打了母親一生中唯一一記耳光。  當時外公外婆都住在日本，佩蘭阿姨舅舅都在美國， 媽媽當時把南昌街的房子租了一間房間出去。  外婆連在媽媽的室友面前都不理，暢談無阻，反正是想盡了辦法要阻止這場婚姻。  那位室友在目睹這樣的情形還和自己的媽媽說，最後趕快搬走了。  那位室友的母親還和媽媽說，從來沒看過外婆這樣的老媽。  

媽媽說他當時從四十五公斤瘦到了四十一公斤。  甚至都想著要自殺了。  但是他想到爸爸，認為這樣是不行的。  如果他真的自殺，那人家會怎麼說爸爸呢？  結婚後，母親的壓力也沒斷過。  他甚至晚上睡覺都都會冷汗直冒，可能還有夜驚。  甚至爸爸都有說過早知媽媽這個樣，就不敢娶他了。  外婆在我出生後堅持要回來，但是媽媽說他也沒有幫上忙。  而爸爸呢，媽媽是很佩服的。  爸爸每天一進門就很親熱地喊著外婆， 媽媽，媽媽，但是媽媽說外婆是鐵了心腸，理都不理。  這點我是完全相信的，爸爸常常對我說的，要會喊人，嘴要甜。  很可惜，我卻是離這個教誨愈來愈遠了。  

摘錄: Notes on a Touch of Zen by King Hu

 "In my student day, Liaozhai was one of my favorite books; its bizarre tales of ghosts and fox spirits held me spellbound for days on end.  Indirectly, the book also helped me to acquire an abundance of literary images and unusual expressions. "

"Ever since I started making films, I have wanted to adapt one of the Liaozhai tales for the screen.  Two difficulties had caused me to hesitate: most of the stories have too simple a plot to satisfy the requirement of a film script; and their themes are heavily didactic...and generally lacking a meaningful message." 

把這段抄錄起來，因為這滿重要的。  

俠女再次觀後感

 不知道是甚麼原因， 去年又看了一次原版的龍門客棧。  感想還是和第一次無大不同。  最近也不知怎地，又想起了俠女，剛好查到圖書館有，我又借了一次。  沒想到這次比第一次喜歡。  這次我更注意到了導演的取景，有許多地方真的是很像古代的畫一樣！   亦詩亦畫！  

但更不一樣的地方是我更了解整個故事的架構，人物的關係。  我之前實在不怎麼喜歡那個大和尚。  覺得完全是無俚頭。  但這第二次看完後， 我比較能欣賞有關這個大和尚的情節。  大一次看的時候，覺得和尚完全是多餘。  我也不知道為啥這一次看就比較不一樣。  

這齣戲的竹林過場的確是非常緊湊。  打破我之前的印象， 也讓我立刻想到李安的臥虎和張藝謀的十面。  但老實說，俠女的竹林打鬥遠比李和張的要好太多。  光影， 雲煙和竹綠的交相輝映所帶出的氣氛，而且那剪輯所帶出的緊湊竟然比現代的特效還要刺激！  

這次也是我和母親一起看，他竟然滿喜歡的。  

Walking in the woods

 最近我常常在林子裡走了三次。  現在還是冬末春初，林子裡到處都是冬天景象，只是沒有雪。  林子的地上全是枯葉，有些樹上枯葉仍頑強的粘著。  風從去年開始，愈來愈大。  風吹過去的時候，枯葉互相顫抖，打在枯枯的樹枝上的聲音很是奇特。  粗粗糙糙，又有種奇特的節奏。  第一次去樹林的時候，似乎總是有腳步聲在地上的枯葉上走。  我回頭看，卻總是沒有人。  實在奇怪。  我走在一個丘脊上，轉了一彎，我回頭一看，居然看到丘陵朝西的一面，全是紅褐色的枯葉。  可是葉子上，葉子下，全是旅鶇(American Robin)。  簡直就是一大片的旅鶇，鬆鬆散散的在枯葉間找尋食物。  我看過一大群的旅鶇在人家草地上，很多時候，他們都抬起頭，盯著我。  這裡，這些鳥都不理我，仍低著頭找食物。  地上仍像是人走過枯葉的聲音。  真是有趣極了。  

石頭和鐵匠

WS slapped CR on Oscars.  That was the news these days.  But what is the best movie?  Who knows.  Probably only 10 people watched it.   These days, movie awards meant less and less.  

But what's interesting was how WS slapping CR was discussed on undisputet.  SB and SS, SS criticized hard on WS, but SB took the exact opposite stand.  This reminded me of a funny skid by a pair of legendary Chinese xiang sheng actors from Taiwan.  

In the skid, they were discussing how to stop a couple fighting by neighbors.  

One said, well, it depends.  

The other one said, depends on what? 

One said, it depends on the genders of the neighbors.  

The other one asked, how do genders make the difference?  

One said, well, if the neighbor was a guy, he should stand up for the husband.  If the neighbor is a gal, then vice versa.  

The other one said, how does it play out?  

One said, well, for example, if the neighbor is Mr. Wang, when he heard the fight, he came down stairs.  After he heard the argument from both sides, he stand up for the husband.  Then he would invite the husband away, in order  to give space to both the husband and wife.  

The other one said, ok, it's sound reasonable.  But I don't see why Mr. Wang can't side with the wife.  

One said, well, for example, if Mr. Wang stand up with the wife, and said, let's go get a coffee, forget about your husband!  How does that sound like?  

The other ones said, Oh, I see...  

I think the example is kind weird now that I am writing it.  I don't think it related well for the incident.  I guess not every thing happened in my mind does not draw reasonable comparison, even though it was at first.  

I do give my hat to CR.  I don't really listen to many of the standup comedians.  I always feel many of the jokes are too graphic and personal.  But CR's reaction and action post awards is first class personified.    My respect.  

媽媽的回憶： 爸爸第一次發病及其他

 今天是烏森換時間的時候， 他們叫這一天做 The end of Daylight Saving.  所以我們的時鐘要往前調一個小時， 本來應該是晚上八點的，就要調成是九點。  這好像是一個比較老的歐洲一些地方的習俗。  中午時， 我妹和妹夫帶了一堆火鍋料來家裡吃，母親提到爸爸第一次發病，說自己很幸運，爸爸沒有因此就走了。  他說要是爸爸那時走了，所有旁邊的人都會說媽媽剋夫。  我妹有點不信。  他說這甚麼時代了，還有人相信這個。  我說是有可能的，就算嘴裡不說，心裡也會想。  媽媽說是啊，而且不管自己信不信這一套，怕的還是。。。象那一個電影明星說的甚麼來著。  我說，人言可畏啊。  媽說對啊，阮玲玉那部電影裡說的嘛。  之後，吃完火鍋，我們就開始唱卡拉 OK，用我妹夫設計的軟體。  媽媽精神不是很好，但他還是在客廳躺椅上聽我們唱。  

晚上他們回去，我們也準備睡了，因為換時間的關係，家中的很多鐘都已調過了。  所以看上去是九點鐘，實際上大家的身體還是感覺的是八點鐘。  我半倚在床上看手機，已上床的媽媽打電話給我，說今天提到了爸爸第一次發病的事情，他有點睡不著。  叫我下樓去把這事和我說說，希望可以幫助入眠。  我就去聽他講故事了。  

那是在我妹剛出生沒多久，大概過了一兩個月，可能剛過了農曆新年。  我爸爸身體狀況不很好，這情況可能有一陣子了，因此，媽媽要給老爸補一補，他記得在那期間常常給老爸煮雞湯麵吃。  還都是特地去買的童子雞。 買了一冰箱的童子雞。 (我想，那時剛好新年前後，一般人在那時也吃得比較甜。)  但是老爸的身體並沒有好起來，根據老媽的回憶，老爸的肉好像一片一片被刮掉。  媽媽記得當時是冬天，老爸全身發熱，無法睡在床墊較厚的床上， 都是在地上打地鋪睡地上。  (我說，我記得在羅斯福路五段景美的房子裡，地板 都是磚塊，很冷的！  媽媽說是的。)  

*附加：  媽媽剛剛上來跟我說，這事情其實應該發生在夏天。  因為他記得是爸爸吃過紅豆湯後發生的。  在台灣吃紅豆湯都是吃又甜又冰的。  我本來是想把文章稍微修改一下。  但是，現在決定只加註一條。  畢竟記憶一上總是會有錯誤。  

爸爸既然每下愈況，媽媽就很操心，想要帶他去大醫院檢查。  可是爸爸自己是針灸醫生，又很會開方，根本不願意去。  於是媽媽就去找了大嫂來勸。  爸爸才勉強在大嫂的陪同下去了三軍總醫院做個檢查。  很幸運的是當時看診的是趙彬宇醫生。  他就問問老爸日常的生活起居，媽媽回憶當時的情況，趙彬宇醫生問老爸睡覺睡得好不好，我媽說一點都不好，還常夜尿，可是大嫂在旁邊說我老爸睡的好極了。  趙彬宇醫生很幽默的問，倒底誰是我老爸的太太。  他問完了問題後，推測有可能是糖尿病。  老爸當天就去抽了血去做化驗。  

當時這種檢查報告都要三四天後才會出來。  三四天後， 母親帶著老爸，這一次沒有大嫂陪同，去三軍總醫院去看檢查報告。  媽說老爸當時人已經是非常不舒服了。  他倆在等候室等報告時，等了一陣子都沒有人來。 爸爸坐不住了，他人不好到連坐都很難過，他說他一定要回家去。  所以媽媽就帶著老爸去。  到了家，母親去找了我乾媽的爸爸來陪老爸，他倆是很熟的朋友。  之後媽媽說他自己又坐車回三軍總醫院，他一定要看到報告。  結果他才剛踏進醫院的大門，就聽到廣播大聲的在問 "請莊耿輝的家屬趕快去櫃檯 (應該不是叫櫃台，可是我現在忘了名稱是啥了！) 。"   廣播不停的報，媽媽三腳兩步的跑過去， 護士說，你先生血糖值有970，情況非常危險，趙彬宇醫生要和你談談。"   趙彬宇醫生見到媽媽，馬上說， 你先生非常危險，一定要馬上住院。  你要在 三軍總醫院還是要在中心診所？  媽媽去年送外婆進中心診所，知道中心診所比較多單人病房，而且伙食也較好，他當機立斷的說要去中心診所。  趙彬宇醫生說，好，我現在就去和中心診所說你們立刻要一間單人病房，你現在趕快去接你先生。  

媽媽說他當時在三軍總醫院攔了一輛計程車，趕回景美的家裡，到家時，和計程車司機說，麻煩你等等，我還要進去接我先生到中心診所。  可是老爸那時已經走不動了，媽媽去求那個司機來幫忙扶著老爸。  媽說自己遇到好人，那個司機一看到老爸嚇了一跳，一把就抱著老爸安置在車裡，趕快開往中心診所。  媽媽帶著老爸到了中心診所，趙彬宇醫生早已給他們安排好病房。  聽媽媽說，當時那個病房竟擠了十幾二十個年輕醫生，都是趙彬宇醫生的學生，趙彬宇醫生也在下午一點左右趕到，媽媽說不知道他到底有沒有吃午飯。  大家七手八腳要給老爸抽血。  那個抽血的地點是大腿內側的大靜脈。  老爸一聽，說那還得了，針扎進去還有命嗎，死也不肯。  媽說怎麼勸也不行，趕忙去打電話找救兵。  打了大嫂和大哥，不在家；又打了小于叔叔，幸好秦金台阿姨在家，小于叔叔那時在高雄。  金台阿姨趕忙過來，他左一句莊師兄，右一句莊師兄，終於爸爸讓步了。    但這樣緊張讓爸爸也累的連最後的力氣都用盡了，整個人昏過去。  他們有趕緊他送到加護病房。  媽媽說那一次，在加護病房裡至少待了一個星期多，天天拿紅單子，意思就是血糖超高，有生命危險，請親人有心理準備。  另外，在普痛病房有待了一個多月。  我說我也看過老爸被王昌國叔叔抬到計程車去，我就是那一次看到紅單子的。  媽說那是後來的一次。  (我記得那次也是血糖值高到九百多。)  

但是這次，媽媽說他選擇中心診所是因為他知道三軍總醫院的病房都是多人一間，給老兵住的嘛。  媽說他為什麼會知道，是因為以前外婆也住過三軍總醫院的。  我說外婆怎麼會住三軍總醫院，他又不是軍人。  媽媽說因為他的小學同學有一陣子在三軍總醫院做護士，外婆需要住院的時候，媽媽就去找這位小珍阿姨。  所以也就順道住進三軍總醫院了。  媽媽在講述這個故事的時候，不斷提到趙彬宇醫生，心裡實在是充滿感謝。  他說要不是遇到這個醫生，爸爸是鐵定過不了那一關的。  爸爸在中心診所的時候，前去探病的人絡繹不絕。  趙醫生很驚訝，問媽媽說爸爸是做甚麼的。  媽媽說是做針灸醫生的。  聽母親說趙彬宇醫生和老爸也很聊得來。  後來爸爸在門診的時候也都是看趙彬宇醫師，老爸和母親說過，這位趙醫生的肺臟不好。  媽媽說趙醫生後來是死於肺癌。  這一篇文章我其實已經想寫很久了。  可是一直苦於找不到有關趙彬宇醫生的資料。  今天找一找，稍微有一點眉目。  我把他的履歷寫在這裡也算紀念這位醫生。  (來源是榮民總醫院)。  我還有找到一本趙醫師夫人寫的紀念書。  然後我也在另一本書裡，提到趙彬宇醫師也是給蔣經國小蔣總統看糖尿病的主治大夫之一。  

專長

新陳代謝及糖尿病治療

學歷

軍醫學校西安醫一分校46期

榮譽職

中華民國糖尿病學會常務理事

曾任

國防醫學院醫學系副教授
本院病理檢驗部中央檢驗科主任

到任年月

1967年02月

出生年

1925

我細思當時的情況，對媽媽而言真的是很恐怖的。  民國七十年初，一月，他母親去世。  爸爸發病時，是民國七十一年初，在我妹出生大概一兩個月後，當時如果爸爸真的走了。  母親一年前才喪母，一年後又喪夫，再加上兩個娃。  我相信真的會有很多親戚朋友說他命剋！  爸爸那時沒有走，他們畢竟結縭十四載。  真可說是幸運。  

---------------

把文章寄給我妹，他也提到爸爸第二次住院， 他的回憶。  我也附在這裡。  鐵板燒我是不記得了。  其他大都類似。  不過我記得只有王昌國叔叔把爸爸帶上車。  媽說那年投資公司倒閉，爸爸雖然一句話都沒表示，但是壓力很顯然是非常巨大的。  媽說那年暑假他帶著我和妹妹和大嫂一起去了日本一趟。  他認為他不應該去的。  如果他沒去，他很有可能會跟著乾媽趕快把錢提出來。  但是，爸爸不大會做這些事。  

｢寫得真好。敘述式很流暢，自然。但是這樣的經歷真是太焦慮了。王昌國叔叔那次我記得，印象很深。也是給兩三個朋友抬出去的。我們倆在門口。爸爸還對我們笑笑的說馬上回來。兩眼都紅的。之後媽媽安排我們跟王昌國叔叔的太太去他們家。他們香香姊姊和他哥哥都在。陪我們，讓我們放鬆。很晚媽媽才來接我們。那次爸爸住院也很久。我記得每次去看他，吃得都很好。中心診所的地點熱鬧，我們那時候去吃了好多次鐵板燒。  那一次我三年級。｣

最殘酷的月份感想和書鈔

 I just finished reading a book from author LouisePenny's series theCruellestMonth.  I am getting used to the characters in the story.  

Lately, I am jittery.  Really want to read a book or something.  Tried a few, but none really stick.  Then I kept thinking about the poems from previous books from LP.  Because I really liked the poems she used in those books.  Just when I started to look for a title, my libby reminders showed me that I have a hold due.  I completely forgot about the book I reserved half years ago.  I was getting tired of inspectorGamache when  I reserved it.  But it's perfect timing now, I want to get back to it.  Lucky me.  

The story was as usual with its small idyllic charm of small village, quirky villagers, and back story of Surete's political back drop.  I did not like the Surete's story line before, but I liked it better here.  For It's more flashed out this time, rather than a gimmick.  The story line became the center stage.  It was quite funny in many places.  There was less mysteries in the detective storyline, for I could almost guess who the murderer was.  It's more of a thriller from the Surete story line.  

There're less poems too.  I wish there're more.  But there are lots of good sentences to quote.  And the book used an interesting idea  I really like the near enemy thing.  I find it makes me think a little.  It means some emotions or intentions that looks virtuous, but actually self-serving.  Like compassion and pity, attachment and love, indifference and equanimity.  

Some quotes:

"'A killing frost', quoted Gamache, 'it nips his root.  And then he falls, as I do'" (from Shakespeare, King Henry VIII)

 "'Strange in Canada, we talk all the time about the one thing we can't control.  The weather.  We can't stop a killing frost and we can't stop the flowers from doing what they're meant to do.  Better to bloom even for an instant, if that's your nature, than live forever in hiding.'"

"Our secrets make us sick because they separate us from other people.  Keep us alone.  Turn us into fearful, angry bitter people.  Turn us against others, and finally against ourselves."

"How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes"  (Shakespeare, As you like it)

TheRescue

 我一直在找國家地理出版的泰國洞穴救援的紀錄片。  這部由 freeSolo 的製作小組金國威(Jimmy Chin)和伊莉莎白·柴·瓦沙瑞莉(Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi)執導。  我本來是找光碟片，卻發現找不到。  這幾天幫我表弟看貓，趁他有迪士尼加，我就看了。  很好看！  這部片子的敘述是依照時間順序進行，從發生，到泰國軍方進入，然後請來遠在地球另一邊的一群洞穴潛水專家，接著看到美國軍人也進來了，同時間全世界都有自願人士堤供物質人力專業的資源，到泰國官方所要做的困難決定，最後大膽的援救成功。  這部片很專業的介紹這一群洞穴潛水專家的個性背景，他們當時的感覺，所做的決定；同時也非常尊重的介紹了一些泰國當地的人文風俗。  我覺得這真是一部很認真製作的影片。  我看完了後，很希望可以在電影院裡看。  可惜了。  

我覺得我很容易跟著影片敘述的故事走，沒有太多看不懂的地方。  我很喜歡他們在影片裡讓真正參與此事的泰國人士講述當時的情況。  即使我覺得不是很有關係的人，象 Rick 的女朋友也來接紹採訪。  這樣似乎可以從更多的角度去看這件事和這些參與的人。  我也很喜歡製作小組把故事的主軸擺在那幾個潛水專家。  他們遠從英國，澳洲和各地方一起來到泰國。  這群洞穴潛水的人可以看得出都是一群特別的人。  在個性上和金國威之前介紹的紀錄片裡所介紹的人很類似。  可是這一次，他們在一個重大事件裡利用他們的技能，這種一般人都覺得很奇怪的技能，成功的解救這十三個人。  這是多麼神奇的一件事。  可是他們這群人裡，有醫生，有電工，有各式各樣的人。  但是當他們接受採訪的時候， 都有很強的觀看自己的能力。  就像電影裡的在泰國的外交官和他們說的，如果人成功救出 來了，你們就是英雄。  但如果失敗，你們很可能會被丟進泰國監獄。  這是因為他們的一項大膽的嘗試。  也只有這群專家才敢這樣做。  但是，同時就像 Blink 裡提到的，這實在是他們洞穴潛水的專業，加上泰國以及全球的國家和人民的鼎力相助，和一點點的幸運。  才能有這樣的結果。  

看完後，我上網查了查發現這十三個被困的小孩和教練都沒有國籍，都來自金三角。  我還滿驚訝的。  

詩鈔

 

'Eternity'

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

William Blake

-----

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel.  None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.  And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.  And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

伊丽莎白·毕晓普（Elizabeth Bishop，1911-1979）

Xiaohu 走了

 My cousin's dog 小虎 passed away a couple days ago.  I just read about it yesterday.  I cannot imagine how devastated they are right now.  It takes a lot of more effort to take care a dog than a cat.  And this dog was special to my cousin.  My cousin was in a special program for 10 year martial art disciple-ship.  小虎 started the program with him in 2008.  They lived in a mountain really remote from the usual life my cousin was accustomed to.  All kinds of people came and went, either for the program, or they were seeking trainings.  Very few things remained constant in the mountain, 小虎 was one of those dependable faces.  After 10 years was up, my cousin got his 師父's permission to bring the dog with him back to Massachusetts.  That's where I got a chance to really interact with 小虎。  

He was a unique dog.  I think he must've meditated some in those 10 years.  My cousin said when they brought him to the park, he never interact with other dogs.  It seemed he thought he was a human as well, 不屑 interact with other canine.  The most interesting thing about him was he was very expressive.  His emotion was so visible, and he had his own desire, but he was so well behaved.  He would look at you and understand what you want.  He can even let you know what he want with a look.  I walked him once, wanting to bring him pass a bridge.  But the bridge was made for cars, with metal bars as flooring.  His reaction was plain visible that he did not want to step on the bridge.  I tried to find another way around but afraid if he could tolerate any more walking.  So I carried him across the bridge.  The other things about him was he was never shy from any people.  He's always friendly, excited to see everyone.  It must have be the training from the mountain.  Because lots of people visited the mountain over that 10 years, 小虎 was used to people almost all the time.  Though of course, he had his favorite humans, my cousin and his wife.  

The quirk about him was that he would not stop barking in the car.  I heard the story when my cousin and his wife drove across the USA in 2018 when they finished their 10 year program.  Then I saw it with my own eyes when one Christmas, they invited me to NH for a weekend.  小虎 just barked most of the way.  I thought he was afraid, but he was also excited.  I even shot a picture of him and my cousin side by side, with the caption saying, "will you be my friend forever?  Of course.  What do you ask of me?  No barking in the car?  NO!"  

Later last night, after I got the news.  I was kind disturbed.  I felt deep sadness.  It's a feeling I wish no other pet owners should experience.  But it's inevitable.  I kept referring to a Kipling's poem, 

"兄弟姊妹們，
聽我來相勸；
勿將心許狗，
由他撕成片。
            --魯雅。吉卜寧"

But how can we not love them?  It's not just their innocence, but pure joy when we are with them.  Let it be known, the death of a dear one will toil our heart, but after a while, I so wish it will make the love in our heart stronger.  So that we will be able to love even more.  

I dreamed last night

 昨晚做了一個夢，夢到一直灰白的花貓和一隻黑貓在我身旁睡覺。  

一首詩抄錄下來

 I heard from Colbert'slate night show.  Never heard the poet's name before.  Found a poem I really like.  

RobertHayden

Those winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early

and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, 

then with cracked hands that ached 

from labor in the weekday weather made

banked fires blaze.  No one ever thanked him.  

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.

When the rooms were warm, he'd call,

and slowly I would rise and dress,

fearing the chronic angers of that house.

Speaking indifferently to him,

who had driven out the cold 

and polished my good shoes as well.  

What did I know, what did I know

of love's austere and lonely offices?  

a few quotes

I saw a quote, "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind, always."  (BradMetzer)  

--------------------

DuaLipa was on ColertShow.  She asked a question to show her interview skill.  I am very impressed with the question.  That gal will be ready for anything.  And Colbert's answer was not disappointing either.  Kind of reminded me of a debate I read in the Name of the Rose, which is also about laughter.  

Question: "does your faith and your comedy ever overlap?  And does one ever win out?"

quote from the interview:

"...in the same way the sadness is like a little emotional death.   But not defeat if you can find a way to laugh about it.  Because that laughter keeps from having fear of it, and fear is the thing that keeps yuo from turning to evil devices to save you from the sadness.  As RobertHyden said, 

'we must not be frightened or cajoled 

into accepting evil as deliverance from evil.

We must go on struggling to be human(humanity, Colbert's word),

though monsters of abstraction police and threaten us."

 So if there's some relationship between my faith and my comedy, it's that no matter what happened, it's you are never defeated and you must see this in the light of eternity and find some way to love and laugh with each other." 

Since Colbert is a Christian and a catholic.  He mentioned about love and sacrifice in his religion, then he talked about death is not a defeat.  Then he mentioned one of his favorite movie is Belfast, in which sadness mingled with funny.  Then he said the above quote.  

I am struggling to say it out loud, for I am not able to really use the words I am about to say.  But it's kind uplifting.  I also see the same element in many of the movies, like 魯冰花, and 周星馳的電影。  It's a struggle to face the life, the ability to laugh about it, and keep going, is very important.  But even so, there's a choice, the thus the struggle.  

明天的戰爭 觀後感

 I watched theTomorrowWar 2 nights ago.  I don't particularly like the movie.  I feel it's very generic, the so called threat can be replaced by zombie, xenomorph, or any other monster movies.  I was hoping ChrisPratt could lift the movie.  JurrasicWorld did the trick for me, I like both ChisPratt and BryceDallasHoward , the so called star powers.  But no, not here.  It's not enough.  The rest of the characters did not bring their weight in the movie somehow.  I felt the daughter father relation should have enough impact.  But no, it do not.  I do not know why.  I want to compare the relationship here to interstellar's.   But I can't, it's not comparable.  I do not know why.   I really wish it worked.  

And comparing father daughter relation and the weightless of the rest of the characters, I feel the rest of the characters were the weakest link.  I feel the whole thing is made on top of ChrisPratt.  And I feel they want to be so political correct, they just forget to develop characters in the movie.  There's no time, it's already a couple hours long, and yet, everyone has to show up, colored people and all genders has to be shown capable.  But none of them really get any development.  I think a TV series would be more suitable for their purpose.  Thinking back to the independenceDay, I think I am wrong.  They don't need a TV series, they need better script.  

One more thing, the monster in the movie is really generic.  It's basically an Aliens ripoff, with bad taste.